I miss feeling like I’m a part of something.
Awhile ago, I decided to start making art just for myself instead of posting it (both visual art and written). Don’t get me wrong, it was a great thing to do because, after losing the whole “I have to get it right because I need to post something often I can’t make mistakes” thing, I’ve been letting myself improve and practice more often. And I love that.
But I noticed that I’ve been subconsciously (not entirely but without noticing too much) trying to get involved with something again. I’ll look up RP groups again, see if there are any admin positions or member positions in editing blogs, see if there are any art forums I’ll like, or just communities to be in where I’ll make significant contributions with the skills I’ve been working on throughout the years. Maybe it’s because I’ve graduated, maybe it’s because I just want to apply what I know again. But nothing seems to really fit what I like. RPs usually require a lot of dedication (some even say that if you don’t post for 3 days, you’re out - I can barely handle the weekly deadline most RPs have), and for whatever reason, I can’t find good art forums to receive critique like people say they find.
I just miss contributing to something and feeling like I make a difference, as small as it may be.
(picture by me)
For the first time since I started my deviantArt account, I’ve taken a hiatus the past few weeks. Now I’m afraid to go back.
About a month ago… I attempted to commit suicide and thankfully failed. I was in the hospital for a while, and when I finally got home after about a week I didn’t have the will to draw much, so I made a journal explaining things to my watchers. I didn’t want anyone to think I just abandoned the place or dropped off the face of the planet. I have very sweet watchers, and I got a lot of encouraging words.
Without the pressure of worrying about people watching me, I slowly started to draw again and only shared them with my few friends. I was horrified to think that I might have gotten much worse without any practice for weeks.. but thankfully I could still draw the same. It was a huge relief.
Now I’ve got tons of ideas and time, and things in my life are starting to fall back into place. My family and friends have been a great support system for me, and I’m taking the medication I need and feeling happy and less anxious. But even so… for some reason the thought of posting to my dA again just seems so daunting, and I don’t know why. I do miss it. My dA was a safe haven for me, and I really want to get back into the swing of things… but it just seems so scary for some reason.
I really hope I can overcome this feeling soon…
I used to think that sphynx, pugs, and other weird animals were ugly until I realized how fun it is to draw their wacky characteristics. Art has made me appreciate a lot more things.
(doodle by me)
my friend and I are collabing, they’re doing the sketch and i’m doing the lines and we go back and forth with other stuff. The only thing that makes me feel shitty and overall nervous is, i’m a bit more… advanced in my art than them (i’m not trying to toot my own horn, i’m not that good). They dislike lineart so that’s why i’m doing it, and even though they gave me permission to change a few things, they kind of turned my canine fursona into a lizard with hair and dog nose. I know that sounds rude, but it’s kind of true. They aren’t so good at anatomy, but when I offered to help fix it, they said “I know how to draw lol” so I backed off. I don’t want to discourage my friend, but I already know I’m not going to post it into my gallery, because if I follow the lines it’ll look as if my drawing skills went down at least 60%, even if it’s labeled as a collab. How exactly can I get away with not posting it in my gallery or at least fix it without hurting their feelings?
tl;dr: I was recently asked by an acquaintance to open commissions and donate the money to an organisation which, in theory, will use it to help people in Ferguson. I refused and explained her my reasons, but they didn’t listen and started to spread that I’m racist and I don’t care. It caused most of my followers to turn against me, people I though of as friends among them, and several of my previous commissioners had demanded that I refund them, because “they don’t want art from a racist bitch”. I dread to log in to my tumblr because of the extreme amount of hatemail I get. What should I do?
My reasons for refusing are the following:
1. I tried to check the organisation in question and what little I found about it seems extremely shady . I strongly suspect that this is a scram.
2. Because of my current health issues, I currently can’t do commissions. Fair and square.
3. I don’t have solid information about what is going on. I’ve seen contradictory information on tumblr and on the news and from the other half of the world, I can’t verify what is true and what is not. I only know what the tumblr loudmouths say and it wouldn’t be the first time if it turned out to be complete bullcrap. I’m sure the situation is horrible, I can’t even fathom what’s going on. But as they say, the camera lies - I’ve seen the same picture, depicted as a man saving children from a tear grenade and as him attacking the police side by side - and I don’t feel comfortable getting involved with something I don’t know or understand.
I don’t believe this makes me racist, but after the blacklash I’ve got, I don’t even know anymore.
sketch is mine, screencap is from game Earthbound via machpizza
I don’t know why I have such a hard time with backgrounds. I could draw legs like 20 times over and not be bored by it, but having to draw bottles on a shelf for like 10 million times bores me sometimes. I don’t get why some aspects of drawing are boring and others aren’t when it should all be the same? and scaling people is really tedious to me, when i would draw them by themselves, sans background, no issue? I know I need to practice backgrounds more (the program carapace helps with the gridding/perspective…ish? but its hard to work and confusing at times). I just don’t know how to make myself get out of this rut that I always fall into
(Bit of a long story, I apologize in advance.
I kind of don’t know how to add a read more in the submit box - sorry! D:)
So I was appointed secretary of communications in my youth group, which basically means I’m in charge of any and all graphics for advertising events, making t-shirts, and making sure that the facebook group is kept up to date and whatnot. Our current president is a close friend, but she’s always done all the messaging herself, so she’s kept that up. She told me something along the lines of, “you’re not really organized and you never answer your phone so I’ll do it”, and I felt bad because she didn’t trust me, but I understood. After all, she’s the one who’s always remembering events way ahead of time and making sure everyone’s doing their part. I don’t like nagging people, anyway.
Before graduating, I had a lot of trouble making the graphics she asked me to since I’m a fairly slow artist and I also had the weight of being a second year IB student and a senior. I was also making t-shirts and graphics for my class, keeping up with HL Math and HL English, trying to practice art here and there and going to the gym. So whenever I got a message saying “please make a graphic for the day after tomorrow”, I got pretty stressed. Soon, I figured that the president’s my friend, and she’ll understand - so I asked her to warn me in advance next time because it was a pretty big weight on me to do something last minute. She seemed okay with it, and apologized for the inconvenience.
Recently, she asked me to do a t-shirt design for a camp in September. She asked me in the beginning of July, but a) my tablet wasn’t functioning since it was a $50 tablet I got 3 years ago and b) I travelled, and we were pretty much out from 9am to 11pm. I didn’t even have time to sketch, much less create a design and finalize it. And, without a tablet or a computer, I had no way to wing it. She was extremely mad that I hadn’t finished when I got back because “I asked you a month ago???”, and when I explained that I didn’t have equipment or wifi for a long time, she told me to stop making excuses. I tried to tell her it was a plausible explanation, but she shrugged me off. Surprisingly, my counselor was also on her side, despite the fact that he’s usually pretty logical and practical about these things.
I made a first design, using an idea my counselor suggested. He loved the final look of it, and so did I - it was a lot better than my usual stuff. The idea was for the shadow to be a symbol rather than the person’s silhouette, and, using a thumbnail I showed him, I stretched out the shadow so it would be in the correct perspective. You could tell what the symbol was, but he didn’t like the idea of being distorted. He wanted me to just slap it on there, and I told him it would only look that good if it was behind the person, and he told me I didn’t have to draw it in perspective in the first place (which would make it look…well…not like a shadow). So I redid it, and to make his idea work, I drew people walking on a street so that the shadows would be a bit to the right but on a wall - pretty much solving the distortion problem. My counselor kept telling me that, if I wasn’t going to do the design, I should’ve just told my president in the first plce to avoid all the lost time (which he told me as I was working), and I had to explain (with more anger than I wanted to have) that I was working on it, as he could see, and I was wasting my day for the sake of this, so I clearly hadn’t given up. Unfortunately, the second idea was too cluttered, so I had to redo it. By then, I’d spent about 16-18 hours just working.
The president kept asking me for the design, blaming me for the delay as if the month I had been travelling was still not justified. Since I couldn’t work out the counsellor’s idea, I tried my own - I drew a person with a shirt so that the symbol would be where their heart is. I was so proud of it - I’d never produced such high quality work. When I’m doing the final retouches, my counselor comes in and says, “didn’t you like my idea?”. I explained that I couldn’t work it out, and I could tell he was angry - we were both quite close to arguing, but none of us broke out yelling or anything. He still left upset. I then asked wether I should add a heart lightly around the symbol, and he said no, since it covered the symbol (despite the fact that I told him that I erased the symbol’s silhouette on the heart about 3 times). I got rid of it, after about 8 more hours of work. He then told me no one would understand it. He’s usually very kind and whatnot (which is why I’ve found his treatment of my art weird, since he’s fine around me otherwise), and I value his opinion very much, so not being trusted with the design and being told some of my best work is rubbish kind of sucks.
I’ve been trying my best, but everyone seems to think I’m not really dedicating myself for some reason. Aren’t my 2-6 consecutive hours of work a day this week showing that? I really do feel like I might give up now and say, “look, I made 3 designs, just pick one you like because I’m not working anymore”, but I feel like I’m just proving them right about my dedication (despite the fact that I’ve really felt involved so far). I haven’t done anything as a secretary, anyway, but I feel like giving that up would prove them even further. Since they’re both very close to me, their rejection daily pressure (I’ve literally yelled at my counselor because he was telling me to work on the shirt thrice to four times a day when I had a schedule set up, despite the fact that he saw it and that I told him that he was doing nothing but stressing me out) is pretty heavy. I want out, but I don’t want them to think that’s what I wanted all along. ugh idk I’m just so confused and stressed right now
Art by (me)
I really like learning styles of different artists cause of all the different ones out there o v o not really copying but rather study from it, see how they do things and slowly improving my own art at the same time. I feel better knowing that I’ve made such a fast improvement in recent years, doing things that I thought was impossible back then ; 7 ;
While I still have lots more to learn, I’m still happy nonetheless <3
This may not seem right for me to say, but ever since I quit 3d art and went back to drawing, it feels like nobody really cares about my artwork anymore. It’s so discouraging.